Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
