Nighttime Personalities Take Aim At Trump's New 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

TV's prominent comedians devoted their airtime ridiculing ex-President Donald Trump's just announced immigration program, labeled the "gold card," describing it as a blatant cash-for-residency arrangement for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis

Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic holiday song about the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... ruins all he touches."

The focus was the new initiative which allows foreign citizens to purchase U.S. legal status for a sum of $1 million dollars, with a "top-tier" version for $5 million. The program's page promises approval "with unprecedented speed."

"A brief message for you to rich immigrants: before you pony up, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He noted that the card is also designed to "extract cash" from companies looking to hire skilled workers, requiring hefty payments. "That is a lot of fees, though if you register, you additionally get two free nights at a property of your selection – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"The best screening the U.S. government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these people absolutely are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "The initial query: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "Get Into America Express Card."

"It's a card that will permit wealthy international individuals to live here," he explained. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one serious crime of your choosing."

"Perhaps it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your tired masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the lack of detail of the application, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Affordability Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's slipping approval numbers amid economic concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were mad about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a bid to discuss prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a selection of food items, where he reacted strangely to boxes of cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative news defenses of Trump's financial record. "Maybe rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like the one FIFA did," he remarked.